Somewhere deep within Tom Cruise's compound, one of the hundreds of bio-vessels gathered in the estate's silent birthing stadium has finally pushed forth into the world an offspring bearing enough of a physical resemblance to the actor (think the classic monkeys-and-typewriters scenario, but with stainless-steel turkey basters and female Scientologists in their prime reproduction years) not to arouse too much suspicion about the infant's true parentage.
In other words: The Miracle Baby has finally arrived, a 7 lb. 7 oz. girl named Suri, which we assume was the name of some futuristic seafaring vessel from an obscure L. Ron Hubbard novel.
According to a press release, "both mother and daughter are doing well." We assume they're referring to Katie Holmes, not the actual biological parent who's tending the child while Holmes tries to chew through her wrist restraints and escape during the bedlam following the birth announcement.
What is more disturbing is that apparently, Scientology rules insist that the baby must NOT be spoken to for 7 days after the birth. This is so wrong! If those nutbags believe that a) noisy birth is damaging to the child, and b) speaking to the newborn baby immediately is damaging, then WHY THE FUCK AREN'T 99% OF US ALL NUTTERS??? All our mothers yelled like buggery when we were born, plus talked to us immediately afterwards, and we are all sane and normal (well, in a way).
The fact that we ARE all sane and normal debunks the Scientology rules there and then. Exactly how desperate is Katie Holmes to be a Star that she would allow this to happen to her! She could have married another equally high profile but NORMAL actor, and received just as much exposure and film roles, but without the freaky-alien-baby-mind-control-cult-beard-to-the-biggest-Gay-in-Hollywood stuff going on.
I await with bated breath to see how this kid and other nutty celeb kids grow up. Maybe The Cruiser will go down the Jacko path and insist little "TomKitten" Suri wears a black veil at all times ... RUN SURI RUN!!!
First picture of TomKitten
This from PARADE.COM magazine interview with Tom:
"Before I left Cruise, he introduced me to Katie Holmes, who is about 5 foot 10 (he’s 5 foot 7) and pretty. She wore a large diamond engagement ring. She seemed dazed, passive and vacant. She never stopped smiling. The minute she appeared, Cruise’s now-familiar public mode of behavior returned. He began hooting how beautiful she was, touching and kissing her like a teenage boy on his first backseat date, aware that he was being watched.
“I am very, very happy!” Cruise exclaimed, grinning his public grin. “I’ve got a baby on the way! My concern is being the best parent I can be, making sure my kids can think and make decisions for themselves.”
Hmmmm - taking bets as to when the public split will be announced....