"Your time is limited so don't waste it living someone else's life.
Don't be trapped by Dogma which is living with the results of other people's thinking.
Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your inner voice.
And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become."
- Steve Jobs

Thursday, April 21, 2005

You can keep LONDON I don't want a part of it....

I spent Sunday in London with my folks, I went to the Royal Festival Hall with my mum for a concert (St Matthews passion - fab), while my dad met up with my bro and they went to the Imperial War Museum.

I realised about 10 minutes after arriving in London that each time I visit it, I loathe it more and more. The beautiful "Old London" with it's churches, minsters, architecture, heritage, monuments, museums and history is slowly being drowned by the "New London" with it's misfit architecture, filthy sooty streets, Millennium eyesores, and what must be the scruffiest dressed people in the universe.

The coach journey into Liverpool Street took us through the outskirts, properties crammed and bursting out of the pavements, shops with shutters down, black bulging bin bags in the gutter, litter litter everywhere, filthy windows, filthy unpainted doors, broken railings, so many tatty houses all no doubt with ludicrous price tags just because they were in London. Lovely old buildings with exquisite masonrywork were standing next to hideous modern steel and glass blemishes that had been erected with no consideration for their surroundings (hideous new building like this right next to the Houses of Parliament, check it out).

Miles of cracked pavements, some of them dotted with red sprayed circles where there are plans to replace them (eventually). Lovely lattice-brickwork pedestrianised areas spotted with grey blobs of chewing gum, flower borders and small lawned areas overgrowing and unkempt, grafitti everywhere, litter everywhere, the Thames with its lovely shade of shit-brown, its fetid stench, and floating parade of litter, and gaunt beggars puffing away on expensive ciggies while asking for spare change for their next pack of Marlboros. Concrete steps and slopes had been chipped away by skateboarders, and crumbled brickwork spilt out from every stairway.

I realise that I am describing most large cities in the UK but London is meant to be our flagship - one of our biggest tourist attractions, bringer of foreign income, shining contender for the Olympics (interval while I fall off chair laughing). All I could see was "Shithole" plastered over every slab of dirty concrete I passed by.

Whilst people-watching with my mum in a grotty street cafe, we tried in vain to spot a smartly-dressed human being. Why do Londoners always dress in shit? I get the impression they all think they are being cool, trendy, hip, arty and very "London" but they all looked like f*cking dossers. Fat girls who have no right to wear hipsters were spilling out over their waistbands, guys were wearing their jeans halfway down their arses, girls with greasy matted dreads, girls with badly fitting stretched coats, guys in hideous ancient badly-fitting jackets shuffled along in battered trainers, it was like being in one huge shelter for the homeless. Maybe I'm too used to spenidng time at Forties events, where the men and women were all beautifully tailored in clothes that flattered their figure, whatever that figure may be? I was just sick of looking in all directions and seeing SCRUFF.

I guess it can't be helped - mass production of clothes and todays junk and processed food generation of all shapes and degrees of fatness can't be tailored for anymore, so clothes are made to just "hang" on our bodies, not shape to them and flatter them.

In all my entire day in London just painted a very depressing scene. In my mind it's no longer the flagship of our country, it's just overhyped, overpriced, tired, dirty and polluted. I was very relieved as we sped away from it on the train and I was surrounded by greenery and space once more.

On a slightly different note, aren't parents embarassing? My mum is 64 now and my dad 67 - they are in amazing shape for their ages but they're at that stage in life now where they say stuff too loud and don't care who hears it.

Mum sat in the middle of Liverpool St Station and said loudly "ooh there are a lot of Chinese people here aren't there....and they all look the same!" she also commented "there are too many male couples walking around", even though I pointed out they could just be mates hanging out together, and if they were a couple then so what? She whinged loudly about the skateboarders, and while I agree that they were doing a great job trashing all the concrete steps, they could be doing worse things like peddling drugs on a street corner, or mugging grannies like her.....

During our lunch break she picked up one of the chicken salad wraps I had carefully prepared that morning, and likened it to "a floppy wet penis" (cue surprised looks from neighbouring table and me crawling under said table), then when we met back up with my dad and brother for a meal on a Thames-side boat restaurant, dad commented loudly about "big stiff poos" floating by the window, before beaming around the restaurant like he had told the funniest joke of the universe.

I know that you are meant to turn into your parents when you get older, so I'd like a volunteer now to monitor my progress and shoot me if I ever get close to my own dear folks....

Wednesday, April 20, 2005


A mixture of the curious and the devout have flocked to an underpass in Chicago to see the supposed image of the Virgin Mary which has appeared on a wall. Police have started regular patrols at the site which has attracted hundreds of devotees.

Many have left candles and flowers at the site which has become a pilgrimage point in the United States. A picture of the late Pope John Paul II and the Virgin Mary in a similar pose as the image on the wall had been put next to the site.

Despite some who believe it is a divine image, there may be a more physical explanation. Officials at the the Illinois Department of Transportation say the image is merely the result of salt run-off but they have no plans to scrub it off. A spokesman for the department said: "We're treating this just like we treat any other type of roadside memorial."

Some visitors are true believers though. Elba Tello, of Chicago, said: We have faith. We can see her face."

But another on-looker, Victor Robles, said: "I see just a concrete walkway and an image that could happen anywhere. "If that image helps more people feel closer to God then maybe that is a good sign."


What a bunch of idiots. They are basing their ideas of Mary on artistic representations of Mary throughout the ages. Nobody KNOWS what she looked like (if indeed she ever existed), but it's quite probable that she was NOT the delicate-featured white woman we are all used to seeing in church windows and statues. She was probably anything but delicate-looking, with manky teeth and terrible hair, and would have darker skin, NOT white. It's down to the old inkblot test theory - you can see what you WANT to see in whatever you look at, regardless of what it really is.

If an image of a manky woman appeared on a subway wall nobody would know who it was so they'd likely ignore it. Mary could be walking among us every day but we would pass her by, probably mistaking her for some foreign scruffy illegal immigrant.

I suppose that if some salt on a subway wall gives people strength and helps them get through the day then that's a good thing, but FFS when is common-sense going to come into play with all of this???

How can this happen?

Student gunman Jeff Weise fired 45 times during his rampage through the halls of a Minneapolis high school last month, it has been revealed.

New details of the Red Lake High School shootings show the teenager killed all seven of his victims in three minutes. The 16-year-old then wandered through the school firing at random, wounding other students.

Weise killed five students, a teacher and a security guard on March 22 after earlier killing his grandfather and his grandfather's girlfriend at their home. The teenager arrived at the school armed with a shotgun and a semi-automatic pistol and wearing a bulletproof vest.

The FBI said Weise's personal journal and e-mails suggested he planned the attack in advance.


This is such a sad story - HE WAS 16 YEARS OF AGE and he planned this murder in advance, and executed it with the clinical detatchment of a seasoned killer.

What makes a child so young so ANGRY and so full of hate that he would do such a thing?? It's almost beyond my comprehension the rage that must have been inside that young boy. What caused it? What happened in his childhood to fuck him up so badly? I don't know anything about his background, who he was brought up by, whether there was any abuse, any history of mental problems. But this certainly goes beyond your average teenage hormonal hissy fit. How on earth are we going to spot the signs and help these kids before such deaths occur?

Will the media and the family once again blame Marilyn Manson? Will they blame the State for "letting him down", will they blame the school for messing with his mind, will they blame his friends and peer pressure, or TV and movies and their "promotion of violence"? It seems that before they start lashing out at others they should take a long hard look at themselves and their parenting and the 16 years of that boy's life. Then they and other parents should bloody learn from it.

Meanwhile in the good ol' US of A, they continue to sell firearms to Tom, Dick, Harry and Harry's mom without decent background checks, Hollywood keeps churning out violent movies, TV keeps showing them earlier and earlier, parents install TVs in their 5 year olds bedroom and leave them to be brought up by Big Bird or Arnold Schwarzennegger, and the desensitising, dumbing down, and maturing-too-quick of the next generation continues. Land of the Free, home of the Dead....

Monday, April 18, 2005

Modern Art

An artist has vandalised nearly 50 cars - in the name of art. Mark McGowan scratched dozens of cars in England and Scotland with a key. McGowan, who once pushed a monkey nut for seven miles with his nose, said his artwork examined the "worldwide pandemic" of keying.

"What I have been looking at are issues of property and linking it with art and performative action." he said. "There is a strong creative element in the keying of a car, it's an emotive engagement. Maybe it will enter the mainstream like graffiti."

Other stunts include:
  • Nailing his feet to the floor of an art gallery
  • Pushing a monkey nut for seven miles with his nose to 10 Downing Street in a protest against student debt
  • Sitting for 12 days in a bath filled with baked beans, with two chips up his nose and sausages wrapped around his head - to defend criticism of the full English breakfast
  • Rolling himself across London for four-and-a-half miles singing We Wish You a Merry Christmas to highlight the work of office cleaners
  • Cooking and eating a fox to draw attention to the plight of "crackheads"

I'm sorry but MODERN ART PEOPLE ARE WANKERS. Keying cars is not art. Rolling across London is not art. Stuffing chips up your nose is NOT ART. I hope everyone whos car he scratched sues his arse off.

Can someone please explain to me why these people are taken seriously??? Why Tracy Emin's unmade bed surrounded by condoms and alcohol is art? Why a flickering light in a blank room wins the Turner prize? Why the Tate Modern is so full of crap?

I think the cleverest thing about "Modern Artists" is that they actually FOOL people and critics into believing the crap they spout, and then pay obscene amounts of money for it.

How can you compare the old masters of painting and sculpture, and the skill, passion and time spent creating these masterpieces, with unmade beds?

Friday, April 15, 2005

Blue blooded?

Sannie pad adverts piss me off. The latest one I saw last night involves a warning that if you have your period and you sit down for long time then suddenly stand up, "your pad could let you down" - ie a load of blood could run down your leg. This is illustrated by a pic of a sannie pad and yes there it is again - BLUE LIQUID being poured all over it to simulate the blood.

FFS we all KNOW you mean blood, why not just use red liquid?? Actually, liquid isn't accurate at all cos it's thinner than blood and will absorb differently - they should have a slightly squidgy thicker liquid, and RED NOT BLUE.

It's like that on the nappy adverts too - blue liquid instead of yellow pissy liquid. And not a trace of a thick brown poo-substitute, which is mainly what babies do in nappies - yet this is wholly missed out of the advert. So all their harping about absorbency is crap when you think of the fact that the, errr crap - isn't ABSORBED at all into the nappy????

It's amusing that we have gory battle scenes drowning in blood, full-frontals, tits and arses, and even full on shagging on our TV and cinema screens nowadays, yet we still refuse to put accurately coloured bodily fluids on nappy and Always Ultra adverts. If Mel Gibson beheaded someone in Braveheart and blue liquid spouted from his neck, would we be satisfied? No! So we should demand realistic bodily fluid in our adverts!

It seems that the word PERIOD is still taboo in this modern age, I remember when Monica referred to "her period" in 'Friends' and there was a big OOOOH cos she's said PERIOD. FFS is this the dark ages? Is this blue liquid some form of denial that PERIODS EXIST?

Do sex education videos substitue white sperm for a nice pretty purple liquid I wonder??

We all bleed, shit and piss and we all know what colour they are so why try to deny it!

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Stop them now!

It's official - fat girls should NOT be allowed to wear hipsters . At Banham Zoo I witnessed a girl who actually looked like she had a beer belly. She looked like the big dude out of The Incredibles - a huge belly and bum belted in over tight hipsters, then normal sized legs. As she walked past me and I got a side view of her, she actually had the classic "beer-belly overhang" of your average Tetley drinker. HOW THE F*CK DOES SHE THINK THAT'S ATTRACTIVE? How can it be comfortable for her to wear?

During the falconry display another young girl "of significant girth" sat down in front of me, once again in hipsters. As she sat down I don't think she realised that the whole of her lower back, top of her arse, and a good percentage of her butt-crack were promptly displayed to the whole audience sitting behind her. Oh how I longed for my camera...

People openly go "yuk" when they see beer-bellied men rippling down the street, but I bet I will receive a few nasty comments from people because of my comments on fat girls in hipsters. Isn't it much the same thing though? Why is it taboo to comment on a girl's size, yet funny when we comment on men's sizes?

And why don't clothing manufacturers just NOT make hipsters above a size 14, that would solve the problem overnight!

"They can wear what they want" you cry - well yes, but when it's screamingly obvious that it's too small for you or a poor fit, or very unflattering, or reveals acres of podgy pinky flesh, why wear it?? Are we that slavish to fashion? Discuss!!

UPDATE 13-4-05: fantasy_dreams701 you have a good point - when the f*ck are hipsters going to become unfashionable so people will stop buying them? Which celeb can we get to promote better-fitting trousers and make hipsters undesirable? If we want better fitting trousers the only choice is granny stuff from Debenhams or M&S, or in my case, repro 1940s trousers that cost me nearly £40. Hence learning to sew, then I can make my own and sod what the shops are selling!!!

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Pay road tax and you can kill people!

Cycling home again last night and yet another female motorist with a car full of kids pulls out in front of me from a side street. Screech of brakes and torrent of vaguely abusive words towards said motorist (I'd been working late, was slightly stressed) and I carried on. She catches me up with her window wound down and screeches back "don't tell me what to do until you pay road tax". PARDON????

So let me see - you nearly knock me off my bike then tell me I'm in the wrong because I don't pay road tax? Fantastic! I'm sure that if I'd been lying in a heap on the road with a smashed bike and a smashed leg you would tell me the same thing? So paying road tax gives you the right to drive like a blind woman, nearly kill people, and STILL be in the right? I'll be going out tonight in my Volvo and picking a few off then....

Monday, April 04, 2005

Poison gas?

Shock Jock Howard Stern got a new ruling from the lawyers this week: No long farts. Short farts are OK. Fart sounds made with the mouth (or, I assume, armpit) are apparently OK. But long farts from the fart factory are now feared to be illegal.

Yes, this is why mankind invented the law and broadcast technology: to argue about the the legal length of a fart.

There've been many final straws on Stern's back and he's lobbying to leave now whenever he can. He has also made clear that the minute the indecent indecency bill is signed into law, he'll do nothing but play records, for it's certainly not worth fines that could add into millions -- long after the alleged crimes -- for a medium he's leaving.

But this was the unkindest cut of all. Howard said he found farts funny at 5 and still finds them funny at 51. He makes no pretense of having a sophisticated sense of humor about this. They're just farts. Farts are funny. But now farts are illegal -- or lawyers think they could be, though no one will ever make it clear.

This is beyond silly, it's below stupid. Do we really need legislation about farts? Is it going to be tied in with the "War on Terror" that a fart could be construed as a noxious gas, produced to threaten the freedom of Americans (well, what's left of their "freedom"). Imagine the scene - you and your mate sitting in McDs enjoying a slice of corporate junk-food, when "Phhhhrrrrrrrt" *CRASH BANG* cue the arrival of anti-terror squads, "EVERYBODY DOWN NOW!!! YOU!! STEP AWAY FROM THE BIG MAC!! You're under arrest!!"

Saturday, April 02, 2005


Along the main entrance corridor of Norwich Castle Mall there are two cash machines. Now this is a fairly wide corridor, flanked by shops, so it's very busy. WHY ON EARTH do people queue for these cash machines ACROSS the corridor?? Why not down the SIDE of the corridor, doesn't that make more sense?

Friday was another repeat performance. Half-term, a full mall, lunch hour, crowds of people, and a queue of cash machine TWATS stretching out ACROSS the corridor and blocking everyone off. Lots of "excuse me's" and people pushing through and woman in pushchairs barging past, and pissed off glances, and still nobody thought "I know, let's queue down the side, that will be so much easier!!!!" FFS It's common sense????!!!!!

I was dying to speak up and say "come on everybody why don't we all move?" but feared the "God she's nuts or drunk, ignore her" stares of the idiotic queue. After standing there being barged for 5 minutes while two teenage girls pissed around at the front of the queue, I gave up.