Shock Jock Howard Stern got a new ruling from the lawyers this week: No long farts. Short farts are OK. Fart sounds made with the mouth (or, I assume, armpit) are apparently OK. But long farts from the fart factory are now feared to be illegal.
Yes, this is why mankind invented the law and broadcast technology: to argue about the the legal length of a fart.
There've been many final straws on Stern's back and he's lobbying to leave now whenever he can. He has also made clear that the minute the indecent indecency bill is signed into law, he'll do nothing but play records, for it's certainly not worth fines that could add into millions -- long after the alleged crimes -- for a medium he's leaving.
But this was the unkindest cut of all. Howard said he found farts funny at 5 and still finds them funny at 51. He makes no pretense of having a sophisticated sense of humor about this. They're just farts. Farts are funny. But now farts are illegal -- or lawyers think they could be, though no one will ever make it clear.
This is beyond silly, it's below stupid. Do we really need legislation about farts? Is it going to be tied in with the "War on Terror" that a fart could be construed as a noxious gas, produced to threaten the freedom of Americans (well, what's left of their "freedom"). Imagine the scene - you and your mate sitting in McDs enjoying a slice of corporate junk-food, when "Phhhhrrrrrrrt" *CRASH BANG* cue the arrival of anti-terror squads, "EVERYBODY DOWN NOW!!! YOU!! STEP AWAY FROM THE BIG MAC!! You're under arrest!!"
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