Puschairs

Today it was mayhem in town, and the main culprits were fucking PUSHCHAIRS . Every aisle in every shop was blocked by them, paired with a woman who didn't give a stuff about the fact she was blocking everyone's path, while she browsed the £1.99 socks in Primark.

Why on earth are pushchairs nowadays so BIG?? They are like 4x4s of the Buggy World, specially the bloody "sports" 3-wheeler ones, with their huge fat wheels, industrial quality tyres, and massive undertray that is big enough to carry another kid, and the ridiculous plastic bubble "rain cover" so you can seal your kid in at the slightest sign of humidity.

Why do we humans have to have everything BIG, it's Americanism coming over here and it has to be stopped. First the Chelsea Tractors: why drive a normal hatchback to Asda when you can drive a fucking huge gas-guzzling beast there instead?? "It's bigger, I feel safer" say the stupid mums who drive them. Is it the same attitude about pushchairs now? "It's bigger, my hermatically sealed-asthmatic-allergic-to-everything-never-been-near-a-germ child will be safer in it, safer from dangerous grannies and their walking sticks, or uncaring teens who may throw a Mars Bar wrapper at them.

I started out politely, saying "excuse me" and waiting to be let thru. But they carried on browsing and only moved their pushchairs about 2" out of my way, allowing me to squeeze through, holding my bag up to avoid smacking little Timmy on the head as he sat there wiping his bogies over the clothes. Or they would glare at me and look hassled as they moved, as if I was the one causing the problem. Then as I stood browsing myself, they barged past me with a curt "excuse me" as they skinned my ankles with their tractor tyres if I didn't move fast enough. If I'd had my industrial-thickness VANS trainers on I'd have not budged my foot just to see if they'd ram me repeatedly to get me out of their way.

I walked through to the next shop and was frequently cut up by more women with their child-tractors as they walked right across my path, forcing me to stop in my tracks as they ponced by. One woman was pushing a young kid that was old enough to NOT be in a chair anymore but was as fat as butter - I resisted the urge to tell her to make the little brat walk, but heaven forbid that he may drop his Walls Feast he was guzzling.

These new über-buggies also take up the luggage racks on buses and trains too, so if you've had a hard trek around TopShop and you want to dump your overpriced hipsters anywhere, well tough! One über-buggy takes up the whole bloody rack, and you get clobbered if you sit or stand nearby when mummy wrenches it out with one hand while hanging on to a screaming little Timmy with the other.

I remember the old buggies when I was younger - skinny little things that carried your kid, and one hook for a shopping bag and that was it. Simple, easy to handle and functional. I think todays chariot-wielders should pay "Buggy Tax" on them and be forced to undertake driver training so they can learn the etiquette of interacting with humans in shops, malls and on paths. Start the legislation now!