Picture the scene: 6pm last night in my local Asda - the perfect platform to view Stupid People.
Why is it that in the height of the post-work shopping frenzy, Smug Couples decide to block the aisles with their trolleys as they gaze into eachothers eyes and discuss what to cook on Sat night when their other Smug Couple friends come round for a meal? As the blockage of people intensifies around them and they still can't see past the tunnel vision of their dewy-eyed stares at eachother, more trolleys build up, making manouevreing near impossible. When I pipe up and say Excuse Me, they don't break their gaze but move their trolley about 2" to the left. Thus rendering me still unable to get past them. They continue their discussions about Cous-Cous or organic chicken. I get and push past their trolley, bumping it out of the way. They glare nastily at me. WTF?? Can't they see that there are now four people tussling to get past them and tutting noisily under their breaths?
Next aisle and I witness the Bored Husband (BH). In typical BH pose, he leans against the trolley handle and sticks his bum out into the aisle. Considering he is already blocking it with his trolley, the Arse situation doesn't help. Meanwhile wifey is reading the labels on all the tins to check for fat content. Luckily because BHs are always alert for something remotely interesting to watch while wifey prattles on about sugar content, he notices and immediately moves with a nice "sorry".
Then we have Stupid Person who is perusing the aisles for someething but leaves her trolley about 3 metres away, right where I'm trying to get to the pasta spirals. I start to move her trolley and she dashes over as if she thinks I'm about to steal her discounted meat paste and Frosties. Again, not a word spoken.
Next aisle resembles a bloody nursery school. There's the trolley, half blocking the aisle, and there's mum sitting on the floor on the opposite side of the aisle, with two kids on her knee. They are looking at cake mixes and she's holding classes with them as to what they baked for Granny last Sunday and what colour icing was it? And what cake is this, can they read the label? And can James look around and find the candles? Well done James that's them! Meanwhile another trolley jam forms, only now I can't barge past because I may run over a child. I'm all for interactivity with mums and kids but don't bloody do it in rush hour Asda!
Then we have the Want Pester Want kids:
"Mum can I have these"
"No, you don't like them"
"But mum the advert looked really cool, I want to try them"
"No, they have 50g of sugar per 60g of food"
"BUT MUM EVERYONE EATS THEM"
"NO!!"
*puts food in trolley anyway*
*Mum takes it out again*
"MUM JUST LET ME HAVE ONE PACK"
.... and so it goes on.
At the milk freezers we have Single Man, with his little basket of "beans for one", microwave meals, and token vegetables in case a bird comes round and he can look healthy. Trying to remember what Gillian McKeith said about soya milk and avocados, he gives up and head to the Beer Aisle.
Finally we have the Mad Trolley Drivers. They fly out of the end of an aisle and don't look nor give a toss about who is there. They just gotta MOVE outta their way or be rammed. Looking dead ahead and avoiding my laser-glare of hate as I skid to a halt and avoid hitting them, they waltz onto the next aisle, knocking grannies down en route.
At the tills I am stuck behind another Smug Couple. They coo and laugh and joke as they pack their food, excited that they are doing such a coupley thing like "shopping together". It must mean he wants to marry me! Yaaay! The checkout girl is like a robot - scan beep, scan beep, no conversation. Her glazed eyes scream "get me out of here!" as she glances at my bulging trolley with a look that says "FFS another one...". In the next aisle, kids scream and whinge for a Kinder Surprise, purposefully stacked low down in the queing area to tempt their whining.
When Smug Couple have sauntered off hand in hand in trolley, I attempt a smile and friendly conversation with Checkout Girl, to alleviate her tedium. Then I noticed that there is a lone tin of tomato soup left on the packing area by Smug Couple. "Oh they've left something", I say, fingering the tommie soup. Checkout Girl rolls her eyes and says "Oh well, I'm sure Love will see them through". Then we both crack up laughing.
Asda - an Anthropologist's dream .....
Friday, January 20, 2006
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Get me a trade ....
Interesting news today about how Oxford University graduates are now retraining as plumbers and walking away with £70,000 pay packets, such is the demand for decent plumbers. Their hard-earned degrees that cost them thousands in student debt are useless, as they hit the tools for some easy money.
I read an article about this over a year ago, it debated the "use" of degrees nowadays, and talked about how flooded the graduate market is, at the expense of old-fashioned apprenticeships in essential trades such as building, electrical work, and plumbing. Going into "the trades" as looked down upon as a "common" career to choose, but everyone should know that plumbing, building and electronics are certainly not jobs for the thickos.
We used to have an Economics Master working as our £12k a year admin girl at my last job, and I've heard loads of other Uni graduates bemoaning their £30k student debt and how they can only get a job down Tescos. My cousins have degrees in this, that and the other and are working in bars, cafes, admin offices, pretty much any job that DOESN'T need the degree they've slaved for. I haven't got a degree and earn more than a lot of graduates I've talked to!
Working for an educational establishment I shouldn't bite the hand that feeds me, but honestly what the F*CK good are some degrees nowadays? They used to be special, for that intelligent elite who would go on to do some good, while the "ordinary" people trained for the trades. Then the Government decided EVERYONE should have a right to a University education, and parents started obsessing that their kids would get nowhere in the world without a piece of paper that basically says "I've got a degree and a f*ck off huge debt and will work for £10k". My own brother did an Engineering degree, passed, then went on to work in his mate's motorbike shop for 4 years, taught himself DOS, LINUX, networking, and got a job in IT, and after a 9 month stint as a Divemaster he is now back working as an IT contractor. Some good his degree was.
Yes I know that some degrees are important and useful and quite essential for the career you want to be in. But the market is so flooded its a bunfight to get in there and land your ultimate job. Then you have the useless degrees like Media Studies, American Studies, and all that crap - FFS what good are they, somebody enlighten me.....
Quicker just to learn how to solder pipes and connect toilets, then get the fat pay cheque and drive off in that SLK ....
I read an article about this over a year ago, it debated the "use" of degrees nowadays, and talked about how flooded the graduate market is, at the expense of old-fashioned apprenticeships in essential trades such as building, electrical work, and plumbing. Going into "the trades" as looked down upon as a "common" career to choose, but everyone should know that plumbing, building and electronics are certainly not jobs for the thickos.
We used to have an Economics Master working as our £12k a year admin girl at my last job, and I've heard loads of other Uni graduates bemoaning their £30k student debt and how they can only get a job down Tescos. My cousins have degrees in this, that and the other and are working in bars, cafes, admin offices, pretty much any job that DOESN'T need the degree they've slaved for. I haven't got a degree and earn more than a lot of graduates I've talked to!
Working for an educational establishment I shouldn't bite the hand that feeds me, but honestly what the F*CK good are some degrees nowadays? They used to be special, for that intelligent elite who would go on to do some good, while the "ordinary" people trained for the trades. Then the Government decided EVERYONE should have a right to a University education, and parents started obsessing that their kids would get nowhere in the world without a piece of paper that basically says "I've got a degree and a f*ck off huge debt and will work for £10k". My own brother did an Engineering degree, passed, then went on to work in his mate's motorbike shop for 4 years, taught himself DOS, LINUX, networking, and got a job in IT, and after a 9 month stint as a Divemaster he is now back working as an IT contractor. Some good his degree was.
Yes I know that some degrees are important and useful and quite essential for the career you want to be in. But the market is so flooded its a bunfight to get in there and land your ultimate job. Then you have the useless degrees like Media Studies, American Studies, and all that crap - FFS what good are they, somebody enlighten me.....
Quicker just to learn how to solder pipes and connect toilets, then get the fat pay cheque and drive off in that SLK ....
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Madness
News today that a beer advert featuring a man standing with his pint surrounded by "well dressed people" has been banned because it "conveys the impression that drinking will make you socially successful".
Good grief exactly who decided to ban this? Were there complaints from the public, or was it some pencil-necked bureaucrat who has nothing better to do with his time?!?!
We're not stupid, we don't believe that boozing will launch us into the stratosphere of A-list glamour. Anyone out ther who DOES believe that, well...there's just no hope for them.
So does this mean that the famous Ferrero Roche adverts featuring the glamorous elite tucking into the vile nutty chocs and pronouncing them "ecshellente" will be banned too? In case we think that eating chocolate will turn us into rich playboys? What about all the perfume adverts featuring stunning women? The Gilette adverts featuring chisel-jawed men? Oh no, so does that mean that if I spent £40 on some stinky Estee Lauder concoction, that I WON'T turn into Liz Hurley?????
Also today I had to go home from work to let the B&Q delivery men into my house to drop off two large sliding wardrobe doors. I asked them to put them in the upstairs bedroom .... "Can't go upstairs love, not covered by insurance - if I tripped and fell I'm not insured".
Good God I can't cope any longer this is just ridiculous. So if I'd been an old biddy then what was I meant to do, carry them upstairs myself? I'm surprised they even dared to take a step up into my porch, incase they tripped? Who would they sue? ME for having a f*cking porch?????
Someone has to draw the line somewhere .....
Good grief exactly who decided to ban this? Were there complaints from the public, or was it some pencil-necked bureaucrat who has nothing better to do with his time?!?!
We're not stupid, we don't believe that boozing will launch us into the stratosphere of A-list glamour. Anyone out ther who DOES believe that, well...there's just no hope for them.
So does this mean that the famous Ferrero Roche adverts featuring the glamorous elite tucking into the vile nutty chocs and pronouncing them "ecshellente" will be banned too? In case we think that eating chocolate will turn us into rich playboys? What about all the perfume adverts featuring stunning women? The Gilette adverts featuring chisel-jawed men? Oh no, so does that mean that if I spent £40 on some stinky Estee Lauder concoction, that I WON'T turn into Liz Hurley?????
Also today I had to go home from work to let the B&Q delivery men into my house to drop off two large sliding wardrobe doors. I asked them to put them in the upstairs bedroom .... "Can't go upstairs love, not covered by insurance - if I tripped and fell I'm not insured".
Good God I can't cope any longer this is just ridiculous. So if I'd been an old biddy then what was I meant to do, carry them upstairs myself? I'm surprised they even dared to take a step up into my porch, incase they tripped? Who would they sue? ME for having a f*cking porch?????
Someone has to draw the line somewhere .....
Friday, January 06, 2006
£1.10 for a spud and Happy Birthday
Well I'm 34 today .... my pressie from Alan (The Aviator DVD) has not arrived, he ordered it from Amazon and it's late. Should have bloody ordered it earlier dammit!
My brother has forgotten too I think, I'm still waiting for my Xmas pressie from him (Batman Begins DVD), let alone a sign that he's remembered his own sister's birthday too.
Nobody is in work cos it's not term time yet, and I've spent today doing very little. So I went to the canteen for lunch to treat myself. Paid £4.60 for a "cottage pie" that was smaller than my hand, plus a portion of chips. The Cottage Pie was £3.50 so that means I just paid £1.10 for what amounts to less than a full potato, fried so much that half of them were too crispy and inedible to eat.
What a ripoff! It's my birthday FFs give me a free meal you gits!
So the canteen was ultra crowded and it was like back to school days as I hunted for somewhere to sit with my tray, seeking out the cliquey groups sitting together and trying to avoid them, while trying not to look like a saddo who lunches alone - on her birthday!
Found a table with some academic types wah-wahing at the other end so sat down next to three empty chairs and tucked into my overpriced birthday meal. Soon enough, three young girls asked if I was meeting anyone and if not could they sit down, so I said sure, help yourself.
They all looked in their early twenties, but as they started to talk it came out that they were all married and most of them had kids. OMG, girls you look as if you should be pubbing and shopping not talking about your husbands and where to take the kids this weekend? Then I realised that a lot of people in their mid twenties actually DID get married and have kids, and I suddenly felt very Spinsterish - but in a good way - like I'd somehow survived to 34 and was still unblemished by marriage.
Then one of the girls started going on about her husband who was a Marine Biologist somethingorother, and how he goes to "Algae club" once a month, where him and a bunch of other enviros look at green gunge under microscopes. It was hard to keep a straight face as she talked about it, I'm sure they saw me trying not to laugh....."darling I'll be back later, I'm going to Algae Club" ...."OK dear, bring me back some Spongiforms..."
Another one then started to talk about her hobby of BEEKEEPING - at that point I finsihed my bland Cottage Pie and left my crispy chips and departed the surreal table of too-young-to-be-married girls. I wonder what they'd have thought if I'd said it was my birthday, I'm 34 and unmarried and quite happy about that? And that I can go and do what and where I want when I want, I have no kids to tie me down, I keep rats, scuba dive, chase warplanes, and sew cozy beds for furry mammals. Would they have thought there was something wrong with me? That I *should* have a ring on my finger at 34?
I think there is a kind of twilight period for us older girls where we get to a point where people think you are a freak cos you've not got a husband....but if you persevere and carry on without said husband, they then become envious of your life and your freedom. They also become pissed off when you slink into the room cellulite-free and stretch-mark free in your tiny dress that still fits, and flirt with their husbands. Hahaha!
So now back in the office, waiting for some work to do, and thinking of things to blog. Also having a good laugh at http://www.i-am-bored.com/.
Birthdays huh?
My brother has forgotten too I think, I'm still waiting for my Xmas pressie from him (Batman Begins DVD), let alone a sign that he's remembered his own sister's birthday too.
Nobody is in work cos it's not term time yet, and I've spent today doing very little. So I went to the canteen for lunch to treat myself. Paid £4.60 for a "cottage pie" that was smaller than my hand, plus a portion of chips. The Cottage Pie was £3.50 so that means I just paid £1.10 for what amounts to less than a full potato, fried so much that half of them were too crispy and inedible to eat.
What a ripoff! It's my birthday FFs give me a free meal you gits!
So the canteen was ultra crowded and it was like back to school days as I hunted for somewhere to sit with my tray, seeking out the cliquey groups sitting together and trying to avoid them, while trying not to look like a saddo who lunches alone - on her birthday!
Found a table with some academic types wah-wahing at the other end so sat down next to three empty chairs and tucked into my overpriced birthday meal. Soon enough, three young girls asked if I was meeting anyone and if not could they sit down, so I said sure, help yourself.
They all looked in their early twenties, but as they started to talk it came out that they were all married and most of them had kids. OMG, girls you look as if you should be pubbing and shopping not talking about your husbands and where to take the kids this weekend? Then I realised that a lot of people in their mid twenties actually DID get married and have kids, and I suddenly felt very Spinsterish - but in a good way - like I'd somehow survived to 34 and was still unblemished by marriage.
Then one of the girls started going on about her husband who was a Marine Biologist somethingorother, and how he goes to "Algae club" once a month, where him and a bunch of other enviros look at green gunge under microscopes. It was hard to keep a straight face as she talked about it, I'm sure they saw me trying not to laugh....."darling I'll be back later, I'm going to Algae Club" ...."OK dear, bring me back some Spongiforms..."
Another one then started to talk about her hobby of BEEKEEPING - at that point I finsihed my bland Cottage Pie and left my crispy chips and departed the surreal table of too-young-to-be-married girls. I wonder what they'd have thought if I'd said it was my birthday, I'm 34 and unmarried and quite happy about that? And that I can go and do what and where I want when I want, I have no kids to tie me down, I keep rats, scuba dive, chase warplanes, and sew cozy beds for furry mammals. Would they have thought there was something wrong with me? That I *should* have a ring on my finger at 34?
I think there is a kind of twilight period for us older girls where we get to a point where people think you are a freak cos you've not got a husband....but if you persevere and carry on without said husband, they then become envious of your life and your freedom. They also become pissed off when you slink into the room cellulite-free and stretch-mark free in your tiny dress that still fits, and flirt with their husbands. Hahaha!
So now back in the office, waiting for some work to do, and thinking of things to blog. Also having a good laugh at http://www.i-am-bored.com/.
Birthdays huh?
Thursday, January 05, 2006
(Nearly) Happy Birthday to Me
I am 34 tomorrow another year and in my mind I am officially Middle Aged. Well, at 70 your life is about over, so 35 is technically the Middle of your life. I stopped celebrating birthdays when I reached my quarter century, I think that was enough for me!
I sure don't feel 34...my mum brought it home to me the other week when she said "when I was your age I'd been married for 10 years and had 2 kids". HOLY COW! A lot of my ex-schoolfriends are also married, divorced, married and onto their second set of kids. Good Lord .... makes one feel a bit better.
I still can't imagine being married at the moment, and still do not EVER EVER want kids. Still feel like I'm in my mid-20s.
Off out on the whiskey tonight to "celebrate" so will be in a state tomorrow no doubt .....
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03 January
The TS returns!
Well I took my trusty Tartan Shopper into town again yesterday, but this time I did my hair and looked less like a Bag Lady. I needed the TS cos I was buying in a load of fleece and small padded dog beds for my latest moneymaking venutre (to be revealed soon).
I also ended up buying one of those "memoryfoam" ergonomic pillows, and some flat-packed plastic shelving - so you can imagine how wide I was as I staggered down the paths with a bulging fleece-packed TS, some shelving, and a square pillow carrybox.
So why is it that every bloody person who walked past me on the same path tried to walk through me???? Was I invisible? I checked for my reflection in a shop window and it was there. The paths were wide enough in most places for people to walk past me in single file. But no, bleeding Couples who refuse to NOT walk side by side holding hands just came straight at me - did they expect me to disappear into the wall or stop and flatten myself against it, so they could walk past me in their Couple Cuteness? P*ss off!
I moved over as much as I could but when there is enough room for the other people to get past me in single file, WHY SHOULD I move over? I stayed my ground and got glared at as people had to change position to walk past me, fat bags and all. Oh, the inconvenience to them! My bags were nudged and kicked as they swanned by, probably muttering under their breaths about "why didn't she move". COS I CAN'T BLOODY WALK THROUGH WALLS YOU MORON!
I sure don't feel 34...my mum brought it home to me the other week when she said "when I was your age I'd been married for 10 years and had 2 kids". HOLY COW! A lot of my ex-schoolfriends are also married, divorced, married and onto their second set of kids. Good Lord .... makes one feel a bit better.
I still can't imagine being married at the moment, and still do not EVER EVER want kids. Still feel like I'm in my mid-20s.
Off out on the whiskey tonight to "celebrate" so will be in a state tomorrow no doubt .....
Add a comment | Read comments (1)
15:36 | Permalink | Trackbacks (0) | Blog it | Life!
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03 January
The TS returns!
Well I took my trusty Tartan Shopper into town again yesterday, but this time I did my hair and looked less like a Bag Lady. I needed the TS cos I was buying in a load of fleece and small padded dog beds for my latest moneymaking venutre (to be revealed soon).
I also ended up buying one of those "memoryfoam" ergonomic pillows, and some flat-packed plastic shelving - so you can imagine how wide I was as I staggered down the paths with a bulging fleece-packed TS, some shelving, and a square pillow carrybox.
So why is it that every bloody person who walked past me on the same path tried to walk through me???? Was I invisible? I checked for my reflection in a shop window and it was there. The paths were wide enough in most places for people to walk past me in single file. But no, bleeding Couples who refuse to NOT walk side by side holding hands just came straight at me - did they expect me to disappear into the wall or stop and flatten myself against it, so they could walk past me in their Couple Cuteness? P*ss off!
I moved over as much as I could but when there is enough room for the other people to get past me in single file, WHY SHOULD I move over? I stayed my ground and got glared at as people had to change position to walk past me, fat bags and all. Oh, the inconvenience to them! My bags were nudged and kicked as they swanned by, probably muttering under their breaths about "why didn't she move". COS I CAN'T BLOODY WALK THROUGH WALLS YOU MORON!
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