"Your time is limited so don't waste it living someone else's life.
Don't be trapped by Dogma which is living with the results of other people's thinking.
Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your inner voice.
And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition, they somehow already know what you truly want to become."
- Steve Jobs

Monday, January 05, 2009

Settle for your lot - OMG a shocking read


I read this with my mouth open as the author, a single mother, pretty much writes with an air of annoying presumption that if you are over 30 and still single, you are panicking - and if you are over 35 and still single, that you may as well rip out your ovaries and kill yourself, for Your Life Is Over. What a crock of shit.

Here are some extracts:

"My advice is this: Settle! That’s right. Don’t worry about passion or intense connection. Don’t nix a guy based on his annoying habit of yelling “Bravo!” in movie theaters. Overlook his halitosis or abysmal sense of aesthetics."

"When we’re holding out for deep romantic love, we have the fantasy that this level of passionate intensity will make us happier. But marrying Mr. Good Enough might be an equally viable option, especially if you’re looking for a stable, reliable life companion."

"Once you’re married, it’s not about whom you want to go on vacation with; it’s about whom you want to run a household with. Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business."

"They, like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone, because they, like me, realize that marriage ultimately isn’t about cosmic connection—it’s about how having a teammate, even if he’s not the love of your life, is better than not having one at all."

"Now, though, I realize that if I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, I’m at the age where I’ll likely need to settle for someone who is settling for me. What I and many women who hold out for true love forget is that we won’t always have the same appeal that we may have had in our 20s and early 30s. Having turned 40, I now have wrinkles, bags under my eyes, and hair in places I didn’t know hair could grow on women. With my nonworking life consumed by thoughts of potty training and playdates, I’ve become a far less interesting person than the one who went on hiking adventures and performed at comedy clubs."


"Don’t worry about passion or intense connection" - silly woman - you have to have some sort of intense connection in order for anything to last....or it's just pointless. I speak from experience with two of my exes!! You have to connect deeply on one or more levels, or nothing binds you together.

"They, like me, would rather feel alone in a marriage than actually be alone" - well she and all her friends are silly needy insecure idiots. What's worse - coming home to a house with a disinterested husband who you feel a polar opposite to, or coming home to your own house that yes - is empty - but allows you the freedom do get out and do and meet what and who you please, and have hope that one day Destiny will chuck someone in you path who will be "The One". If Destiny never chucks anyone into my path then I will remain alone, as I will never "settle for my lot" or "settle for second best" because I know myself well enough now that settling for a man who doesn't 100% meet my needs and expectations....will just all end in tears within a couple of years. Again, I speak from experience of trying to "settle for my lot"!!

"I’m at the age where I’ll likely need to settle for someone who is settling for me". Again, a sure fire way to disaster. If you're with a man who can sense that you've picked him out of desperation or cos you're not getting any younger, or you were flattered by his attentions but had little feeling for him yourself, then how will that make him feel!!! He won't feel wanted or loved, and as such he will withdraw - and probably go elsewhere for affection (experience speaking again).

"We won’t always have the same appeal that we may have had in our 20s and early 30s" - well that's up to you love. You can either let yourself go or you can eat a healthy diet and look after your body. Dress well and wear clothes that suit you, your age and your shape. Don't eat pies and junk food while squeezing yourself into size 10 jeans, trying to look 21 again, and then trying not to notice your muffin-top. Then whinge that you can't get a man!!!

When I ended it with one of my boyfriends who was very good to me and could have given me a very comfortable worry-free life, my father (who adored this guy) actually rang me and pretty much said I should have stayed with him and "settled for my lot", because "men like that don't come along often" and "he'd really look after you". Not once did he ask me about how I felt for this man, and whether it was enough to make a lifelong decision to stay with him. In my father's dated 1950s eyes he saw nothing wrong with staying with someone for purely practical reasons, or because "you'd get looked after". Feelings and happiness didn't even come into it.

I wonder if he was drawing on his own marriage to my mother.....apparently he admitted to her many decades ago that he wasn't in love with her when he married her. They'd been together for 7 years and were engaged, but he was still gadding off to sea with the Merchant Navy, and was showing no signs of wanting to settle down. Mum apparently wrote to him and said that the church was booked and if he didn't show up she was leaving him. So he duly turned up and got married.

They are still together after 40 years which is an achievement, but I wonder what *sort* of marriage they've had. Did he just "settle for his lot", did he ever have deep feelings for my mum, did they ever both find a connection? Or did they quickly fall into "companionship" and this "practical/convenience partnership" that the writer of the article above speaks of? If he thinks there's nothing wrong with "settleing for your lot" in a passionless unconnected relationship, then is that what he's lived with for 40 years??

I'd put money on the writer of the above article filing for divorce within 5 years of whoever she "settles for".

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